I have recently begun studying D/s seriously, and I’ll share what I think I’ve learned. D/s can truly be about more than sex. Yes, sex is a powerful emotion between two people, but good D/s can be good for your whole life.
I’m learning that a satisfying D/s sex life is based on real trust and a mutual giving. A woman can give a man unlimited, unqualified love, physical and emotional. This makes her vulnerable to be hurt. In order for a man to get the most a woman can give, he must make her safe and take good care of her.
A lot of people jump to the conclusion that D/s is one-sided, that it’s all about men abusing or domineering women. In a healthy, satisfying D/s relationship, the D takes care of the needs of the s and the s wants to please the D. Domination is not domineering.
Apply the lessons of the bedroom to the rest of your relationship. (I’m going to use the more common Male/fem for this discussion.) A good D makes his partner safe. He pays the mortgage on time. He changes the battery in the smoke detector. He provides structure by giving his s rules to live by. He provides security by dispensing discipline. Asking permission to go out with drinks with her friends is more than just a sex game, it’s an opportunity for her D to establish that she’ll be safe. Where is she going? Who will be there? Will there be a designated driver?
We have a rule: she is not to get in or out of the car until I open the door. This reminds us both that not only will I be in total control in bed, but I am also responsible for making sure that she is safe. Are there muggers in the parking lot? Angry dogs? Is it raining? Do we need an umbrella? Trivial? No. Good habit? I think so.
Another rule is she is not to eat any desserts or sweets herself. I must feed them to her. This reinforces the idea that all pleasure comes from me, but it’s also romantic, especially in a nice restaurant. It’s attentive as well as kinky. And if she sneaks a candy bar at work, she gets a spanking. Kinky fun? Yes. Also good for her health. Reminds me to practice some self-discipline too. We only have sweets together.
She’s always happy to see me. I’m learning that it’s my responsibility to earn that.